「マッチョの説明書」マッチョの彼氏や旦那ができたら読むブログ

今回は「マッチョの説明書」を紹介します

この度はマッチョを彼氏、または旦那にして頂き、誠にありがとうございます。
こちらは、マッチョの説明書でございます。

マッチョは不思議な、不思議な生命体です。
あなたは、そんなマッチョと長く一緒に生活することになってしまいました。
そうです、今後、常識では考えられないことがあなたに降りかかるでしょう。
しかしご安心ください、こちらの説明書を読んでおけば、そのマッチョが正常かどうか簡単に判断できるでしょう。

それでは始めましょう。

①やたらピチピチのTシャツを着る

「・・・、そのシャツ小さすぎない?」

「そうかなぁ」

ご安心ください、あなたのマッチョは正常です。

マッチョは、やはり自分の体を自慢したいものです。
しかし、自慢したい!と明言するのはダサいと考えています。
なので、度を越えない、ピチピチのTシャツは許容してあげてください。

ただし、あなたが生理的に許せない、といった致命的なレベルにあるのであれば、しっかり相談してみましょう。
「もっとゆったりしたシャツが好き♪」とか言えば、通常は直してくれるはずです。

②朝からたくさんの粉や、錠剤を飲む

「じゃらじゃら・・・、ごっくん!」
「じゃらじゃらーー、ごっくん!」
「シャカシャカシャカ!・・・、ごくごくごくごく・・・」

「ええぇ・・・」

ご安心ください、あなたのマッチョは正常です。

マッチョは朝から栄養の補給に必死です。
お肉を食べればいいじゃない、とお思いでしょうが、朝は胃腸が活発に動いておらず、更に迅速に摂取をしたいので、サプリメントに頼るマッチョが多いのです。

不安であればマッチョが飲んでいるサプリメントを調べてみましょう。
大抵の場合がアミノ酸であり、安全だということが分かります。

ただし、「薬」に分類されるようなものを飲んでいるマッチョは、異常です。

③たんぱく質量にうるさい

「キノコとほうれん草のスパゲティできたよー」

「・・・・」

「どうしたの?」

「いや、大丈夫だよ、美味しそうだね(たんぱく5gほどか・・・後からプロテインで補うか)

ご安心ください、あなたのマッチョは正常です。

マッチョは一日に5~6回ほどのたんぱく質を補給します。
そして、個人差はあるでしょうが、1回の摂取は30gほどが推奨されます。
今回のケースでは、食事にたんぱく質が足りなかったので、しょんぼりしたんですね。

ここはあなたが協力するべきです。
たんぱく質量の計算を頑張って覚えて、毎食30g以上の料理を与えましょう、マッチョは元気がでるでしょう。

④帰りが遅い

「ただいまー!(21時)」
次の日
「ただいまー!(21時)」
次の日
「ただいまー!(21時)」

ご安心ください、あなたのマッチョは正常です。

高いレベルのマッチョは、週に5~6回のトレーニングを行います。
つまり、学校や仕事が終わった後は、必ずと言っていいほどジムに出向きます。
つまり、二人の時間は一般男性に比べ、1日当たり2~3時間少ない、と言うことはざらなのです。

ここで、「私とジム、どっちが大切なのよ!」と言わないでください。
マッチョはアホなので、本当に困ります。

ここはちゃんと二人の時間を作ってもらえるよう相談しましょう。
1週間ほど先であれば、トレーニングのスケジュールも合わせやすいものです。

⑤健康診断の結果が、悪い

「健康診断で再検査の紙が入ってたよー」

「ええー、大丈夫なの?」

ご安心ください、あなたのマッチョは正常です。

マッチョは体重や肝機能、体の疲労物質などの数値に異常が出る生物です。
医者にハードにトレーニングをしていることを伝えれば、大抵は「じゃあ大丈夫」となることがほとんどです。
健康診断の一括管理の特性上、どうしても不健康だと判断されやすいのです。

一例を挙げると体重が分かりやすいでしょう。
体重80㎏のバリバリのスポーツマンでも、その重ための体重だけの数値で「肥満」と判断されてしまうのです。
何も問題はありません。

⑥2年前に買った服が入らない ≒ 服装がダサい

「冬物のスーツが入らなくなった♪」
「あ、こっちの革ジャンも入らない☆」

「(なんで嬉しそうなのよ・・・)

ご安心ください、あなたのマッチョは正常です。

筋トレに本気で取り組むと、どんどん体は肥大し、伸縮性の弱いスーツや革ジャン、ジーンズなどは入らなくなっていきます。
嬉しそうな理由は、体が大きくなった証明となるからです。

同時に、「高い服を買ってもまた入らなくなるから」や、「ハイブランドの服は細身の人向けが多い」という理由で、お洒落を諦めるマッチョが多数います。
どうしても許せないレベルでダサい服を着てくるようなら、あなたが率先してコーディネートしてあげてください。

⑦手の平がカチカチ、ガサガサ

「ぎゅっ」(手をつなぐ)

「えぇ・・・(手の平カチカチやん、ガサガサやん)」

ご安心ください、あなたのマッチョは正常です。

筋トレはバーベルやダンベルを強く握ることから、手の平にはほぼ確実に大きなタコができます。
そして高頻度で酷使することから、極度に乾燥しやすい状態になるため、ガサガサなことが多いです。
とりあえずハンドクリームを塗ってあげましょう。

⑧サプリメントやジム代が高い

「ジム代に月1万円、サプリは月2万円。あ、新しいシューズも欲しい!」

「ええぇ・・・」

ご安心ください、あなたのマッチョは正常です。

年収や、筋トレに対する情熱の強さによって増減はあるでしょうが、月3万円ほどの出費は平均的です。
5万を超えるとかなり良い環境でトレーニングしているでしょう。
逆に月1万円であれば、かなり節約されているほうです。
人生を掛けている、というレベルの強烈な趣味です。理解してあげましょう。

ただし、家計を無視してジャブジャブ出費するようであれば、それはマッチョではなく野蛮人です。
「筋トレのための出費は、年収の○%まで!」などのルールを叩きつけておきましょう。

⑩減量は辛そう、でも充実してそう

「夜ご飯は鶏むね肉とブロッコリーと・・・(げっそり)」

「大丈夫?ご飯食べる?」

「いや、試合が近いからね!大丈夫!(げっそり)」

「ええぇ・・・」

ご安心ください、あなたのマッチョは正常です。

ボディビルやフィジークだけではなく、格闘技などは体重の制限があります。
球技や陸上競技でも、過度な体重は動きの負担になりますから、食事制限をする選手が多くいます。

相方があまり食べないから、自分は食べにくい!などとは考えないでください。それを望んではいないです。
発想を変えて、あなたも一緒にダイエットをしてみてはいかがでしょう?

目標に向かって日々努力するアホマッチョの姿は、日に日に減る体重とは反対に、輝きを放ってはいないでしょうか?
ここは全力で応援しましょう。

⑪試合後はとても爽やかな笑顔で、アホほど食う

「うおおおおおお!!!!(ガツガツガツガツガツ!)」

「ええぇ・・・」

ご安心ください、あなたのマッチョは正常です。

試合後は極度の空腹や、緊張から解き放たれる瞬間です。
好きな食べ物をたくさん与えてください。
安心してください、ほとんどのマッチョは高価なものは欲しません。
安い居酒屋で唐揚げとおにぎりとビールを与えれば喜びます。

そしてアホほど食います。
個人差はありますが、一日で体重が5㎏程増えるのは普通です。

さて、食べている姿を見てください。幸せそうでしょう。

⑫マッチョに惹かれていく

ご安心ください、あなたは正常です。

マッチョは特殊な生態系をしており、忙しい仕事の中、年間300回以上ジムに通い、唸り声をあげるようなトレーニングをし、食生活の管理をし、日々戦っています。

最初は「何を目指しているの?」と思ったでしょう。
しかしこの生態系を間近で見ることにより、感じ方が変わったはずです。

彼らは通常よりも少しアホで、通常よりも強い忍耐力を持ち、通常よりも強い身体能力があり、通常よりも健康的な食生活を送り、通常より身体に関する知識を有しています。

今後とも、このアホマッチョをよろしくお願いいたします。

ここまで読んで頂いてありがとうございました。
このブログでは、ダイエットや筋トレのちょっと気になる知識を日々更新しています。
よければブックマークや、SNSのいいね!、シェアなどをよろしくお願いいたします!

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